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I Was Never Here

by ABRUPT DECAY

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1.
Frail 02:28
An empty answer awaits A call and response that will never take place The sun will set on this day Like my arms that are scarred from distaste Casket carved out of self hate Job-like in my patience of opening veins Created for self wrath I never mattered anyway Frail spine broken and bruised Now I'm stuck in this hospital room Destitute, tender abuse And I think I'm going to give in soon Relief will vanquish my shame As this sycophant carries the blame Nowhere can feel like home When who I am makes me afraid Frail spine contorted and used Dying to feel something new Destitute, tender abuse Skin dictated by half truths Scarred skin Draped in tatters Die in vain, every day is the same
2.
Ad Nauseam 03:34
Oh put it to fucking rest You conservatives bore me to death "Trudeau must go!" Screams Susan An internet expert on the big pharma threat If I had a dollar for every time an Albertan hick fuck wished death on a healthcare worker for "pushing their poison," I'd have enough to fund the surgeries you slashed, so you pussies could keep bitching from your lifted trucks a little fucking longer It's a sore in the mouth of a gift horse You were born in a time with more information than them Play the victim And yet I find myself again Losing faith in my fellow man Now that's what I call the Alberta advantage Forcing doctors to another province Keeping the street involved homeless And keeping cancer away from treatment And yet you scream "I'm a centrist!" But I won't listen to pieces of fucking shit Tell me what my problem is When you don't know what my problem is It's time to be held responsible For all the pain you've caused For all the deaths involved For everything that we got wrong We will argue in circles Until your legs give out And your eyes dry up And your jaw goes slack And your hate fucking kills you Embrace the indigent shade That are buried with their remains Standing face to face Remove the blindfold from your eyes You're being spoon-fed fucking lies By someone who wants to sell you shit And you're too fucking dumb to see it
3.
Locked away In a chastity belt of casual sex My mind is a mess and I think that it's time to put it to rest I hate that I'd be a bed for you but not for myself As a crippling chill covers me I'm fucking stressed It's a shaking, a screaming, a feeling of dread Shame that will not leave me till I cease to exist It shoots up my back to the base of my neck Giving hold for the rope that I'll hang myself with I am nothing but my failures Conquered in a bedroom of sin and regret I look for a sign to heal me Drown me in the exudate that effuses my chest I speak only in tongues of deceit Dyspneic Seizing Adult Teething Let me Cave in No more Breathing And here I stand Face to face with what I've always been A God-fearing masochist From a Latter-Day suffered upbringing Guilty, shameful, snapped like a twig Symmetry in motion of self hate dehisced And you're someone I couldn't care about Caught in the mix Guilty, shameful, you'll never learn I'll never learn I am not a man I am not a home I am a black hole
4.
Taut Rope 02:39
Take my hands and pry them apart And drive the nails straight through my palms This is the day I return to the earth Baptize my bones in soil At least Judas got his 30 pieces of silver (I’m a spectre) I can’t cease these fucking thoughts I’ll push this gun just make them stop I’m withering away like the ash from the smoke I suffocate Taut rope pulled in downward spiral Forcing me towards the gates Every day I wake I face this cycle of addiction So I fuck the voids away while I continue this stagnation Lowered down into a grave I’ve made from this coition Coerced by feathers fixed upon the wings of bitter trenches Clamour at the fire at my feet I’d rather drink myself to fucking sleep The angels up above my head will look down in disgust As I put out cigarettes on my skin while praying to be hurt Maybe then I’d finally mean something to someone But I know that there’s nothing about me that anyone could love Born to fail Take my hands and wrench them apart And drive your nails right through my palms This is for everything I’ll never see Seal my eyes as I fucking leave I don’t need anyone but me I feel fine I guess it's alright I guess I’ll just die What makes it so much stronger than me? I guess I’ll always be weak
5.
Suffer 00:40
Suffering Lock and key I can't stand The sight of me Nothing ever Ends well So fuck it all See you in hell I disgust myself Failure to be Suffer with me
6.
Glass Teeth 04:54
Hell does not describe what I would make your last few minutes like This isn’t a eulogy This is a knife to your throat Embrace me I’m in endless pain Enslave me Shear your skin so thin Erase me Conscious withered to nil Encasing My hollow reckoning Mercy Cut the vein in two Hooked fingers Slide beneath your unctuous skin Mercy There’s nothing left to do Pontificating And if I ever see you I’ll break your fucking neck Your face is all I see When I’m alone Surrounding me And when the aching moment finally comes I won’t be able to stop Until I feel the release of all your broken bones Between my fucking palms I have spent years trying to understand What pushes a man to hurt a woman so bad Bite your glass teeth on the concrete I’ll forever curse your name
7.
Sentenced 02:47
Who would want me now? Envious flesh of the fix I absolve thy earthly saviour I will carry out this sentence Every time I see my reflection Rip straight through to my veins The heat behind my ears Match the colour of the waves Food has lost its taste I will burden those Who are close to me Crush my bones into nothing I’ve failed myself again I will carry out this sentence Every time I see my reflection Carve my name in my face So you can spell my shame Counting the bodies that have fallen prey To the same godless mistakes I’ll always fucking make I will welcome this silence With slit wrists in timorous light Grinding into the faults Of my contenders territory I’d rather starve myself than eat Than accept your head on his chest Or my trembling hands around my throat Courtesy of pins I swallowed To stitch myself together My gnarled hide will wax and wane While these delusions push me closer to my grave I'm sorry for what I am and what I'm not Capillaries branching out to nothing Hanging from the ceiling From suspended goals cast in gold Who would want me now?
8.
Exist 01:06
I’ve heard the same story From so many women All about rapist pieces of shit like you And if you gave me the chance I’d slit your throat myself I’d crush your skull in two It’s disgusting That you still walk free After blatant sexual abuse And since your friends defend it Well then fuck them and fuck you too It’s like Running your tongue over a gap in your teeth It’s like Cigarette smoke when I’m weak A constant reminder of what is always there Until your lungs fill up with blood as you gasp for air If this is a world where you can get away with this Then it’s a world where I decide if you get to exist Go fuck yourself
9.
Your tone of voice Makes me wish That I was never here Hatred grows in inches And I’m measuring my mirror Having a hard time looking away Even though it makes me feel sick And Christ I wish that looks could do it Because there’s so much of myself to kill Teeth yellowed by disbelief How could you fucking do this to me? You’ve spent your whole life in denial And I was just a goddamn child Your tone of voice Makes me wish That I was never here So I lose this battle with addiction And I give in to what is near Scars run deep for all to see Like crossroads, genetic history I’ll never love my fucking self You don’t know what this means to me I couldn't tell you how I really felt Because you made me think I was the problem Now that I'm older and I’m thinking it over I know that I've finally solved them With you You’re killing me
10.
Work Work Work ——— Death It’s all there is It’s all just static Everything Is just white noise I collapse my lungs For I can’t go on Bricks return to dust Books return to ash And then I open my eyes

about

This album was recorded in a studio located on Treaty 7 Blackfoot territory.

Special thanks to Gill, Scott, Mikey, Sasha, Cohen, Tayler, Lukas, Ian, Josh, Jozef, Levi, and countless others. This record wouldn't be here without you.

credits

released May 13, 2022

Produced, engineered, mixed, and mastered by Scott Bennett and Abrupt Decay
Additional engineering by Shaun O'Shaughnessy
Additional vocals on track 3 by THRTDSPLY
All album and single art by Jeff Lysz
All songs written and recorded by Abrupt Decay at Interim Music in Calgary, Alberta
MMXXII

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